Sometimes the world feels so large, so opposing so against you, but other times it feels too small to be real. For those trying to escape the past, it is a solemn reminder that connections made cannot be broken so easily. But for those who need friends it can be their greatest ally. For me it seems to be both.
Reuniting with Mia had been an awkward relief, both having hid such significant portions of their identities, Nat realized there was a lot more to her sister’s friend than she realized. She had always suspected there was more to Mia than she let on, and hadn’t thought about the fact she wasn’t at the protest either. When Nat figured out who she was, she hoped she would know something about her sister, but she didn’t.
“Nina is still in the SSNY as far as I know,” Nat said to Mia.
“How? How did both of you survive that massacre, and how are you out of the SSNY?” Mia asked frantically.
“Nina didn’t go, I haven’t seen her since the morning we left for the protest, I can’t possibly know if she is okay…” Nat trailed off. She had been avoiding thinking of her sister too much, afraid that the worst had befell her. There was no way she could safely enter the SSNY and Saoirse hadn’t found anything.
Mia hadn’t responded, her face was filled with worry as she looked at the ground. More footsteps echoed above sounding quick, the footsteps came down the stairs and Mia snapped out of her stupor taking aim at the staircase, Saoirse did the same. Nat stood beside her, unsure what to do.
Into the basement came a girl with flowing blonde hair and a rifle slung over her back she lowered the pistol in her hand when she saw the group, Mia and Saoirse did the same.
“All clear?” the girl said, with a mixture of fear that was turning into annoyance.
“Yeah, all clear… sorry,” Mia responded.
The girl motioned up the stairs and a dark-haired boy came down the stairs examining the basement with a curious eye.
“This is Nat?” the girl asked Saoirse, gesturing in Nat’s direction.
“Yeah, this is Nat,” Saoirse responded, “Nat, this Ann, a scout from the AAC,” Saoirse gestured to the blonde girl.
Nat gave her a small wave and the girl beamed back.
Gesturing to the black-haired boy, Saoirse said, “And this is Paul, an anti-war activist from Canada.”
Paul nodded to Nat; his face still held an expression of curiosity.
The simple exchange seemed to have pulled Mia out of her head, she said to the group, “I have to go after Chloe, she went after that convoy, I can’t leave her on her own.”
“We have to go,” Ann said to Mia.
“We’ll wait here then,” Saoirse said to the two.
“No, I’m going with Ann,” Paul demanded.
“Please, just stay here, the more that go, the higher the risk. You’re safer here,” Ann argued.
Paul began to protest again before Ann pulled him into an embrace and stopped his protest with a kiss.
“Stay,” she reiterated.
“Keep in touch,” Saoirse said to the pair.
They nodded and ascended the stairs around Paul who still stood in a state of shock.
“I’m sorry, I looked into your sister, I just couldn’t find anything…” Saoirse said to Nat.
“I know, I could’ve tried harder myself I’m just…”
“Scared of what you’ll find?”
Nat nodded.
Saoirse touched her shoulder affectionately, “Why don’t we look more while we wait, we’ll go upstairs.”
Nat took Saoirse up to the room that had become hers over the past few weeks, somehow her laptop remained on the bed where she left it, before everything had happened…
She sat down on the bed and Saoirse squeezed next to her, it still felt unreal to Nat to be so close to her, she was warm, comforting, so much more than she could get from behind a screen.
Nat opened her version of the shadow, and then it hit her, her version, she had been searching for Nina on the boards she’d become accustomed to seeing, having been on the shadow for so long, she had no idea what came up for someone with a fresh account. If Nina had gotten on the shadow it would’ve been recent, she was pretty sure she had never been on it before. Nat navigated to log out of her account.
“What are you doing?” Saoirse inquired.
“If my sister is on here, it would’ve been recently, I need to see what a fresh account looks like,” Nat responded.
“How do you know she would’ve just joined?”
“I just can’t imagine her ever trying to, my dad was really secretive about it, I mean, I know that’s how we got involved in the protests, I think Nina did, but he never gave us access to it, I always had to sneak on, once I found the LAN wire, I never caught her trying to do it when I did.”
Nat created a fresh account and logged in. When starting anew the shadow shows you basically every sub-site in it, Nat had assumed it was a protective method against state interference. The number of links could be overwhelming and the amount of them that led to nothing was vast.
Nat sifted through the links trying to get in the head of her sister, if she had gotten access to the shadow where would she go? How would she have gotten on there in the first place, found the input in the apartment?
“What are ya’ thinking?” Saoirse asked.
“How would Nina have got on to the shadow if she did?” Nat pondered.
“Same way as you right? Through the access port in your pantry.”
“No, I know how the feds operate, she would’ve been moved to a single apartment, especially since she was moving for school this summer anyway.”
Saoirse sighed but then her face flashed with an idea, “Nat, didn’t you say that Jake and Maggie were bringing people from New York out here, to the mass grave?”
“Yeah, Jake thought it was a stupid risk, guess he was right.”
“No, you’re not following, your sister, would that be something she’d do, if she was given the opportunity, would she of went?”
“Um, I think, but I mean I haven’t.”
“But it’s different for you is it not? I’m asking, would she?”
“Yeah, probably.”
Nat navigated to the Color Guard page, looking for mentions of the visiting the mass grave she came across a post from the user scout_23:
Departing tonight on operation grief with scout_26, transporting unknown_32 to and from. Using the Corn Palace for crossing. Will post upon safe return, if I don’t, something went wrong.
The post was made a few hours ago, right around the time the SSNY showed up to take Jake and Maggie away.
“That’s her,” Nat said mostly to herself.
“How do you know?” Saoirse asked.
“I’ve just got a feeling, Saoirse, we need to go to that mass grave, Nina’s heading there, and so are they.”
“They? The state!?”
“The timing is too close, right when the post is made, Jake and Maggie are taken, I don’t know…”
Nat’s thoughts raced ideas pieced together and fell apart, there was some logic to what she was saying, but a lot of it was just a gut feeling. Her sister was going to be there tonight, and she was in danger.
“We’ve got to go Saoirse; we’ve got to get to her before they do!” Nat looked into her eyes, they were filled with concern, but not scared.
“Okay, we’ll go, but Ann is not going to be happy,” she paused and smiled, “I can save one more person today.”
On their way out of the room they grabbed Paul who was sitting in the living room evidently replaying the past moment in his head. He looked up.
“What’s up?” he asked, casually.
“We’re going for a ride,” Saoirse said simply.
“No, no, I can’t, Ann said…”
“Ann can fight with me about it, we’re going.”
Nat followed quietly behind and the three loaded into the back of the only remaining SSNY SUV.
“How do we get there?” Saoirse asked Nat.
“Here, this is Jake’s map, the route’s highlighted, the spot circled,” Nat handed her Jake’s map she had taken from his room.
Saoirse looked at the map then the compass of the car, flipping the map over she said, “Got it, alright let’s go.”
Saoirse hit the gas and the truck spat up the dirt behind them as they tore off down the dirt road. If it weren’t for the circumstances, the sunset would’ve been beautiful, but the colors soon disappeared, and the group found themselves speeding into the night. Nat soon noticed that the patch of road they were on was quite familiar, it was the road she had fallen out on. She sat up.
“I think we’re close,” Nat observed.
Saoirse nodded, “We are.”
Soon small buildings began to appear around them and the sound that Nat was worried was becoming too familiar emerged, gunfire. Saoirse slowed down and turned the headlights off, but it was too late, the windshield shattered, Saoirse grabbed Nat’s shoulder pulling it down along with her.
“Get down!” she shouted to Paul in the back seat.
The car remained still, the three of them staring at each other as the gunshots began to grow more infrequent. Saoirse tapped her ear,
“Mia, Ann,” silence, “Wait what, slow down,” she paused again and slowly her face melted into fear. “Never mind that right now, we’re here, we’re coming,” Saoirse looked to Nat and Paul, it’s over, but,” she paused, “Chloe and Jake are dead.”
Nat couldn’t fully process that, all she could think was, “Are Maggie and Mia, okay?”
“And Ann,” Paul added worriedly.
“They’re alive,” Saoirse said somberly. “They’re alive she repeated,” her eyes widened “Nat…”
“What?” Nat said following her eyes looking at her bicep, something glinted on it, that’s odd, she thought to herself. The first thing she felt was the warmth, then the pain came, that was a piece of glass in her arm. The time in her head seemed to slow down while the world around her sped up.
Before she knew it the girl she had met earlier, Ann, was at the car, she said something to her, and the pain increased. Her eyes swam with tears before she came back to her senses.
“I put some steri-strips on the wound, it’s not too deep, you should be okay, but you’ll need stitches,” Ann said to her in a calm but pained voice.
Saoirse came over to her, “You gave me a bit of a scare,” she said, “I thought you were shot at first…”
Nat looked around, she saw Ann move to back seat and collapse against Paul’s chest, her eyes were empty and exhausted. She saw Mia outside sitting on the ground, her head resting on her knees, her pistol still held loosely in her right hand.
“Where’s Maggie,” Nat said to Saoirse softly.
“She went after the truck that escaped, the man that killed Jake, that killed Chloe, he was in there, I don’t think she’ll stop until she sees him dead,” Saoirse finished bitterly.
* * *
The next day the group was silent, the deaths of their friends weighed heavily over them. They had fanned out around the town to look around, Saoirse with Nat, Ann with Paul, and Mia alone. Nat realized she should probably go to the spot, Saoirse agreed to join her.
Behind the buildings of the small town was a large patch of freshly dug dirt, near the edge a collection of wildflowers were set on the ground. Nat collapsed to her knees, she didn’t know how to feel, she wanted to cry, wanted to scream, but all she felt was hollow. She had known all along visiting this place wouldn’t give her closure, wouldn’t help her move on, even if she knew they were there. She stared at the wildflowers, she wondered who placed them there, one of the many victims of this tragedy, maybe even her own sister, her sister who probably thought she was dead, her sister, who didn’t even know her real name.
She stood up, “I was so sure she was here…” Nat whispered, more to herself than anyone.
“We’ll find her Nat, even if it means going into the SSNY to do it we’ll find her,” Saoirse said to her clutching her hand.
Mia came from around the corner, her eyes were bloodshot, “I buried them, beneath that big tree in the field, Chloe always said she wanted to be buried so that her body could make life flourish again…” her eyes brimmed with tears, “If you guys want to pay your last respects before we go…” her voice faltered.
Nat and Saoirse walked over to her, and Saoirse pulled them together,
“Things will get better I promise,” she said to them looking deeply into both of their eyes with a knowing look.
She let go but Mia clung her hand to Nat’s wrist, “She was here wasn’t she, that’s why you came,” her bloodshot purple eyes looked hopefully through the tears.
“I just, I just… she was here, she had to of been… she’s not anymore though,” Nat finished quietly, struggling to make eye contact.
“We will see her again, we have to see her again,” Mia let go of her wrist.