Each time happiness approaches I’m reminded of the loss. I feel I don’t deserve it. How can I be happy after such a tragedy? How can I be happy when someone I love is still out there, potentially suffering? How can I want so badly to see her again but be so afraid to at the same time? Being my true self has made me happy, but what if it tears away the only thing that remains from my past? The only thing I can’t bear to lose.
The days since the last update on Nina were slow, since she heard the news, she hadn’t quite felt like going hiking with Saoirse. Saoirse was, of course, understanding, and tried to help Nat pass the time with other things in the town. She hadn’t wanted to leave in case any news came, she wanted to be as close as possible.
They explored the local shops that offered many different goods all made by the local artisans or farmed by those who worked in the fields. Some offered things imported from other collectives around the continent and a few things from outside it. Most of the technology they offered was out of date, but Nat found an acceptable phone to replace her old one and resume writing on it.
Saoirse had told her that being closer to California the PAC was able to get newer stuff, usually stolen. Mostly, that was what kept Nat’s mind from Nina, learning more about the AAA. In the SSNY their knowledge of the world was purposely insular, they were taught that the rest of the world was against them, so they should pay them no mind.
Nat’s conversations with Saoirse online had always been brief and in the night, as to not be found out, and in that time, she hadn’t got to learn much. She knew the Autonomous Anarchists of America operated as a loose network of communes across the American continent supporting each other and using the name to collectively bargain on the world stage that was still mostly in capitalist control.
The Portland Autonomous Collective was the largest of the groups on the continent, and in being the largest had many splinter groups that focused on more specific issues. Groups like the Trans Liberation Front, which operated across the continent to help trans people escape more oppressive regimes and get the care they needed in a safe space.
Saoirse had been a part of the TLF since she figured out she was trans. The community had supported her transition and she joined their more active outreach division training to help trans individuals get to the PAC. Usually, they would be told who to get by those who worked on making first contact but Saoirse had found Nat online on her own, deciding to make it her mission to find her. Now she had.
The two had spent another day walking around the town and Nat listening to Saoirse tell stories from back home. It was getting late when Nat got the message:
News on Nina.
Nat wished her grandfather wouldn’t be so cryptic. She showed the message to Saoirse.
“Let’s go,” Saoirse said jumping up from her seat on the bed.
Nat nodded and the two raced down the street to the EMS.
When they arrived Mia was already there, living upstairs had its benefits.
Greg sat them down and began immediately without pleasantries, “Maggie spotted a girl that she’s pretty sure is Nina.”
“So, did she confront her?” Nat asked quickly.
“No, she missed her opportunity —”
“Missed her opportunity?”
Nat couldn’t believe it, how could she just let her go? She tried to contain any more objections and hear the rest out.
Mia remained quiet also.
“She found herself in some sort of meeting between the SSNY and what she believes to be members of the Buffalo Mafia.”
“Buffalo Mafia?” Nat asked confused, she knew little about the Canadian city.
“Oh sorry, the Buffalo Mafia is a crime organization that effectively controls the city of Buffalo, being the only Canadian city on the other side of the lakes put them in that unique opportunity and allowed them to control the local government and bribe the federal.”
“Okay, thanks,” Nat gestured for him to continue.
“Anyway, the SSNY was looking for intel on Canadian intent to invade, which may not be good for us, but in the immediate, we’re worried about Nina. After the meeting Maggie stayed behind to watch the people from the mafia, then she saw one bring Nina out with a gun to her head.”
Nat braced herself.
“They thought she was Canadian intelligence, she convinced them otherwise, apparently, she’s been living in an abandoned college all this time. The tough part is, they took her with them.”
“Not good then,” Nat said quietly.
Mia still remained silent.
“Not all bad though —” Greg began before Ann came into the office.
“What’s up, you said I could help you find Nat’s sister?” Ann said quickly.
“Possibly,” Greg said before telling Ann what he told Nat and Mia.
“You said you were helping a mafia member out of Canada soon, correct?” Greg concluded.
“Yeah, Amanda, she told me she’s just trying to find a way to get to Ottawa so she can join everyone else.”
“Do you think she would know if the mafia got a hold of Nina?”
“Maybe, but I haven’t been able to get in contact with her, last we spoke I gave her a deadline. Paul’s friends have to get out, they can’t wait any longer.”
“Anything you can do while you’re there if she doesn’t show?” Nat asked hopefully.
“If they’re looking for that kind of intel, they’ll have to go to the capital building, it’s possible they use Nina to get in,” Ann replied.
“How’s that?”
“The same way I’m gonna use to get in there, a SSNY refugee who just escaped the massacre, anyone sponsoring a refugee can get into the capital building, any citizen that is, I just so happen to be one, and I’m sure these mafia members are too. I’ll send you through customs while I look through the records, see if anyone fitting her description just became a citizen.”
“You can just do that?”
“Well of course, I smuggle people across one of the most heavily guarded borders in the world, only the Mexico-Texas border is probably harder, I can do it,” Ann gave her a sly smile.
“Ann, if you could, I’d also like you to look into this invasion thing, it could be dangerous for us to get caught in the middle of that,” Greg requested.
“Already had it in my plan,” Ann said with enthusiasm, “So, were all going I assume?” Ann asked the group.
“Sounds like you need me anyway,” Nat smiled, she looked to Saoirse.
“Without a doubt,” Saoirse said.
“Mia?” Ann asked.
“I don’t want to be too much dead weight, I don’t know a thing about Canada…” Mia sighed, Nat could see the turmoil in her expression.
“Nonsense, you don’t need to know anything, I’ll be your guide, you can’t stay here Mia, I know you, it’ll tear you apart,” Ann said, her confidence was infectious.
“…I’ll go,” Mia mumbled.
“Alright we’ll leave tomorrow, I’ll need some prep time once we get over the border, the more the better.”
“You’re all equipped to go?” Greg inquired.
“Most of what we need is on the other side, right now all we need is some basic survival stuff and some firearms,” Ann stated.
“I’ll ready it tonight, get some rest you four, I’ll wish you luck in the morning.”
* * *
Nat’s night was restless, the prospect of finding Nina along with the fear of not kept her up most of the night, she fell asleep late, focusing on the soft rhythm of Saoirse’s breathing. At daybreak, they made their way back to the EMS, received a nice breakfast and their gear before piling into a van along with Paul heading north to the border.
The ride was quiet, they were all still sleepy from the night before, Nat watched as Paul seemed to fight to stay awake in the passenger’s seat next to Ann. Saoirse held Nat’s hand in quiet solidarity with her worried mind. Mia sat in the back. She still hadn’t said much since agreeing to come.
Slowly, the mountains began to lessen into hills until they came upon the massive river that stood between them and Canada. Ann drove alongside the river on a road hidden in the forest when suddenly they came to a massive concrete wall. Nat had only seen a wall this massive in the Capital District of the SSNY, it protected the city from the rising sea levels.
“Welcome to one of the many St. Lawrence locks,” Ann said in her best impression of a tour guide, “This massive lock is part of the intricate system that prevents Montreal from disappearing into the ever-expanding river, thanks to their own countrymen flooding the world for their own greed! Lucky for us, I’ve secured us a tour of the facility, hold tight friends!”
Ann picked up her phone after a few moments she said, “Yeah, it’s me, I’m coming through the tunnel now… great, thanks as always.”
Ann set down the phone and they turned out of the woods onto a road that came straight towards the lock. On the wall was a closed entrance that was slowly rising open revealing a dark tunnel. Mia drove through and soon the only light was the faint yellowish glow of dirtied lights and the headlights of their van.
Ann continued in her tour guide voice, “On your right seems to be just a bland concrete wall, but really, thousands of gallons of water fill behind it! Allowing the river to slowly rise to the level of the sea far in the north! Truly it is a magnificent feat! One that would be completely unnecessary if we just decided not to destroy the arctic!”
After a short while, Nat could see natural light slowly appearing at the end of the tunnel and the van sped out into an environment basically the same as the one they had just left.
“Welcome to Canada!” Ann exclaimed.
The drive continued for a while quite like what it had been before they crossed the river, slowly small houses began to appear on the side of the road, one of them Ann turned into. The house was a rundown ranch, painted with chipping sky blue paint and fading blue shutters. A disappearing stone driveway led to a two-car garage that Ann opened with the press of a button on the van’s mirror. Inside the garage, a similar van, this one black instead of their white one and a license plate with Ontario written in blue cursive above the embossed blue collection of numbers and letters.
“We can stop here for a bit, we still have a few more hours until we reach Ottawa, not much here, just running water and some seats, but it’s safe, not much activity way out here, and I’m friendly with the neighbors,” Ann said.
They all took the door from the garage that led into the house to find a sparsely decorated living room that made up for its lack of everything else with many different seating and sleeping options all spread around the room with little regard for organization.
“Feel free to look around but stay inside. I’ve got a few things to prep and some calls to make before we head into the city, we’ll leave in a bit,” Ann explained before heading into one of the rooms and closing the door.
The rest of the group milled around the house, finding quickly there wasn’t much to see. They were all restless though and paced around the house in different patterns. All deep in thought but with little to say to one another.
Ann came back out, “We’re all set, I’ve got us a place to stay while we get organized for the next phase in Ottawa, let’s head out,” she gestured them on and soon they were piled back into a van.
Nat hoped that Nina was alright, she also hoped Ann had been right, and that Nina was also heading towards Ottawa as she did. Again, she had a similar feeling to that night, that Nina was close, and she hoped that this time, she would see her again.