Chapter XIII: Nina
Now what? That was the first thought that entered my head when I awoke this morning. That is until I remembered what happened yesterday, now I’m just left wondering if what’s next matters. They’re dead, Gerald, and Jon, I only knew them for a moment, but their deaths still weigh heavily on me, because it’s my fault. If hadn’t been so it doesn’t matter, I feel like I should honor their sacrifice in some way but I’m not sure what to do, I’m trapped in limbo, I guess all I can do for now is survive even if it’s the last thing I want, I have to live long enough to fulfill whatever this promise is that I’m making to myself, I guess I’ll know when I’ve paid my debt.
Nina got off her knees and leaned on the couch, the leather journal lay open on the low table, around it the contents of her backpack were strewn about, thrown to the side so she could retrieve the journal. She had eaten part of one of the granola bars she had while she wrote but soon lost her appetite, besides, she reasoned, she was going to have to ration for the time being anyway.
She dropped her head onto the couch and stared at the ceiling where overhead fans split the sunlight that beamed through the skylights. Nina’s mind was a mess, thinking straight was impossible, but mostly, she just felt numb. Her body ached from running the hardest she ever had, her throat was dry, and lips cracked, her water supply was already low, but she didn’t want to move anyway. In fact, she began to feel stuck, like manacles had locked her ankles to the floor and a heavy weight placed around her neck. She twitched her fingers but felt that it took a tremendous amount of effort. Her mind felt like the sea, tumultuous one moment then calm the next, awash with incoherent thoughts. The only thing that made sense was the pain and a feeling that it was deserved, but a deeper thought questioned why. She fell asleep again, still exhausted, time feels meaningless when one feels nothing but anguish.
* * *
I awoke again to silence and a hungry stomach, I have no idea how long I’ve been here, time has completely been distorted for me as I’ve drifted back and forth between sleep and wakefulness, the dead haunt my dreams, but it brings me a strange comfort until the realization of their death washes over me again. I can’t get the image of Gerald and Jon being shot down out of my mind, my dreams took a turn for the worse when that memory was distorted to Dad and Nick, my perspective being Mom’s, the last gunshot always wakes me up.
I keep going back to sleep, searching for the pleasant dreams, ones that remind me of before all this, things weren’t perfect, but at least I had my family. Now they keep me alive even in death, my motivation, to keep working towards and endgame that becomes hazier the more I think about it. I’m not sure what I seek, revenge? Justice? What can I do to honor their shortened existence and make sure not to waste my own? For now, the only goal I have: survive, this is a safehouse, there must be food somewhere.
Nina stood up and left the table enclosed by the dusty couch and two tattered chairs. Her resolve to move was shaky but hunger had forced her to stop wallowing in misery. She examined her surroundings and couldn’t imagine a soul had stepped into this building since it had been abandoned, nevertheless it had been marked on the map and upon later examination, in a less frenzied state, Nina realized that the library had been specifically marked. So far, the only indication someone had been there was the unlocked door she encountered when she had arrived.
She examined the large room full of scattered tables and chairs. The tables closer to the wall had couches around them similar to the one Nina had been crashing on. She learned she had chanced on one of the couches in the least state of disrepair, a strange stroke of luck, it seemed to mock her current predicament. A large staircase in the center led up to the next floor that had a balcony looking down upon the room below. Behind the staircase were more tables, equipped with old computer monitors.
Nina climbed the stairs and looked over the balcony after reaching the top. The large windows that slit through the dark wall illuminated the space but were almost impossible to see through. Hazy green and browns colored the dirtied glass indicating the outside. Nina’s stomach rumbled, she needed to eat, she planned to save the granola bars as an ultimate last resort.
Nina turned from the balcony eyeing a sign that had been mostly protected from fading away completely. The sign directed to various sections of the library, the one that caught her attention said café and pointed to the left. It seemed almost too obvious for edible food to be in an abandoned café, but the safehouse should make the location of food obvious, right?
She tracked multiple signs that guided her down wide hallways towards the café. Entering the café, signs of more recent disturbance were evident, everything wasn’t covered in a thick layer of dust being the most obvious. The old small tables and chairs had been pushed aside to make room for a long table with attached benches that spanned the length of the café. Though recent quickly became a relative term meaning people had been here sometime after the building fell into disrepair, that time seemed longer ago than she initially thought.
Upon closer examination it appeared this room hadn’t been occupied in a while. Only the large table gave an indication of someone being there otherwise there was nothing else. No military equipment, generators or anything that indicated this was an operational safehouse. She only hoped she could find some food. She climbed over the old serving line into the kitchen of the café. The kitchen was clean and fully stocked with everything one needed to make a full course meal, except for food. Nina swore out loud as her stomach rumbled with increased ferocity. She began to rummage through cupboard after cupboard until she found one filled with silver packages labeled: instant ramen, in simple black text. With a bit more hope she searched the rest of the cupboards to find that apparently, the only thing there was instant ramen and bottles of water. Luckily the stove had gas; lighting it with a match, she began boiling water.
* * *
I found some food, more precisely some instant ramen and water, yippee. I guess I should count myself lucky I have anything to eat, let alone enough ramen to eat for the next year, though I’m not sure the human body is meant to subsist on purely instant noodles with a little flavor. I’m gonna have to find a way out of this place, judging from the state of the stocked items, I’m not thinking anyone is returning anytime soon. At the moment I have no plans, the only logical thing I can do is go back. Cross the border, get caught, explain I was kidnapped in the corn field at the end of the tour but escaped the clutches of my tormentors. I’m not entirely sure they would believe me, but why else would I leave and return?
Exactly, why would I return?
I don’t really want to go back I feel like honoring those who died means never returning to that oppressive place to live out my days as a model citizen, and after crossing back over the border I’d always have a target on my back and never again could I effectively operate in the shadows like my father had. But then where do I go? I have little knowledge of anything outside the borders, my only knowledge comes from brief spats of history that only explain how things were, not how they are. I know Philadelphia is the closest city state, but definitely not in a reasonable walking distance, I have too little supplies for a long journey so that rules out Canada as well, I know so little about both, I have no idea if it would be any better there. Canada was always so villainized in our history classes that it didn’t take a genius to understand it was heavy handed propaganda. However, that doesn’t automatically make it a safe bet.
It doesn’t matter anyway, the best I can do is head to another safehouse and hope that I encounter someone, I’m going to stay here for a while though I need some rest.
* * *
I estimate I’ve been in the library for a week now. I’m still trying to decide which safehouse is my best bet, based off some superfluous ruminations based entirely on exactly zero experience in this sort of thing. I’ve found where the books of this library are held and read through several interesting fiction as well as a few survival guides. I found one that lists edible wild berries and other plants, maybe I’ll go out foraging before I leave.
* * *
My headspace is messy, I’ve had a few fits of what I can only define as uncontrollable existential dread, I have no control over it, and it can sometimes entirely derail hours of my day as my mind berates me with insults. Reading has helped me to stave these off sometimes, but a lot of the time I feel it is impossible for me to think entirely rationally.
Yesterday, I realized that I’ve never been this alone before. In the city there are always people around, you may have no connection to them, but you are not truly alone. I also realized that being surrounded by people without a real connection I felt lonelier then than I do now in absolute solitude. So therein lies a new paradox of my existence, I feel less alone in absolute solitude. Hopefully that rumination gives a glimpse into my current mind as I roam this old library with no clue where to go next.
Otherwise, I’m feeling more resolute in being some unknown force for change in the Color Guard I hope they can give me a purpose because right now the only purpose I have is finding someone who can give me a real one, because otherwise I feel completely helpless.
* * *
Nina was woken in the darkness by a creaking noise followed by the sound of voices from the main floor below. She had since moved her sleeping arrangement next to the café, sleeping on one of the couches on the wall outside. She couldn’t completely understand the voices, but they echoed through the quiet library, it was evident they weren’t trying to avoid detection. After some mental deliberation Nina decided to head towards the balcony and see who was down below.
Staying in the shadow along the wall, Nina crept towards a couch that sat against the balcony. Kneeling on the couch, she peered over the balcony attempting to keep her profile as low as possible. In the room below she could see three figures sitting around one of the tables. On the table sat a bright electric lantern that illuminated the space, in the light she could make out the features of the people below.
Sitting with a relaxed posture in one of the chairs was a burly man wearing a simple grey t-shirt that stuck tightly to his large arms and cargo pants tucked into tactical boots. A woman sat next to him, her blonde hair shined in the bright light, it was cut short and tucked behind her ears. She was dressed like the burly man. The last figure sat on the couch and wore a large hood over their head, all of it black making them appear as a large silhouette. The black figure’s leg was restless but didn’t seem to be from nerves.
The large man let out a deep groan, “Didn’t they say, we’ll be waiting, I don’t see anyone waiting here but us,” he complained in a deep echoey voice.
“We’re early,” said the blonde woman coolly, “this is a new spot, I didn’t know how long it would take us to get here. Besides, I thought Erebus could get a feel for the new environment, give us an out in case things go south.”
“Seems to me all he’s done is sat right here with us; we came too early,” the large man continued to complain.
The man in the hood responded, “Observations can be made while sitting still Charon, but I must agree, we are quite early. We all have maps Harpy; we know the exits I have no need to explore.”
“Fine, I just like being early alright guys, I’d rather these goons to walk in on us not the other way around, we’re more in control this way,” the blonde woman exclaimed in frustration.
“Hey, I’m fine being early, just don’t blame it on me when the big guy gets grumpy,” Erebus said his eyes flashed in the light from under the hood, Nina was sure he spotted her, she ducked. “Besides some extra time to look around is never unwelcome,” he said as his eyes disappeared back into the hood.
Charon groaned again slouching more in the chair.
The entrance to the library was thrown open as men in SSNY military gear entered the room three soldiers lined both sides of the entrance the last two walked down the center, one man wore a suit while the other military gear of a similar style as the soldiers. The blonde woman and the large man walked to greet them, the hooded one had disappeared, Nina wondered where he went.
“What’s the nature of this meeting today, Commander? You were awfully cryptic,” Harpy laughed.
“Information,” the man in military gear grunted.
The man in the suit began in a more eloquent tone, “Yes, as my friend so simply put it, we require the intangibles, information, that which runs the world.”
“And you are?” Harpy asked, disinterested.
“Special Agent Matthew Price, of the York Intelligence Agency,” he responded proudly.
“We never deal directly with the YIA, why now?” Harpy asked, continuing to feign indifference.
“Our sources have heard rumors that Canada is threatening the sovereignty of the SSNY, we have already denied the numerous annexation requests ever since the war, imperialism seems to be constantly on their minds.”
“So, where do we fit in? Sounds like you already have your sources.”
“Our sources are low level government employees, the information that they acquire is not useless, but they are useless in getting the information we require. We know the organization you represent has people in high places we need to know if our city-state is threatened so we can act accordingly.”
“You know that’s a tough ask, we don’t sell our nation’s secrets for cheap even if they are actively trying to eliminate us. It isn’t my call to make, I’ll ask for you, but no promises.”
“Please be as adamant as possible, we will cover any price, there has been too much unrest as of late, a war would not be popular, we cannot afford it.”
“Like I said, we’ll see what we can do, I’ll let you know, or someone will get in contact with you, this the new meeting spot?”
“Indeed, any matters pertaining to this issue will be resolved here, all other business will be conducted at the usual spot. I hope to see you again soon,” Agent Price extended his hand, “I never got your name.”
“Harpy,” she said shaking his hand.
“A codename, pity, I thought we could be on a first-name basis, oh well,” he let go of her hand, “Well, I hope to see you soon Miss Harpy, I’ll be awaiting the call.”
With that Agent Price turned and exited the building signaling the soldiers to follow him out. It had been a short conversation but one that had been quite interesting to Nina, it was possible that the SSNY would be reformed, join Canada, or become something better. Maybe this was something she could get involved with? Reform could be a way to honor those who had died at the hands of this city state.
But before she could finish that thought she heard something click behind her head, she turned around and found herself looking down the barrel of a pistol. Holding the gun was the hooded man, that’s where he went, she thought to herself. She had contemplated death so many times now she realized she no longer feared it. How fast her will to live evaporated scared her more than what could be eminent death. Her lack of an extreme reaction seemed to surprise the man, but he soon smirked as though a suspicion had been confirmed.
“Get up,” said the man she believed to be called Erebus.
She contemplated refusing but thought this must be some sort of fate, if she played her cards right maybe she could join this group, whoever they were, they may bring her closer to finding a purpose.
Erebus was getting impatient waiting for her to make up her mind, she sensed he had no intention of killing her.
“Get up,” he commanded once more.
Nina stood up silently.
From below Nina heard, “Erebus, where are you hiding, I don’t want to hang out here, let’s go,” the voice was deep, Charon.
“I’ll be right there Charon; I found a little something I want to show ya,” Erebus shouted down.
“What is it just some more pre-war bullshit like last time, I told you these unclaimed territories are littered with old stuff.”
Erebus’ demeanor shifted, “That bullshit is worth thousands to collectors” he shouted back, regaining his composure.
“Yeah, so you’ve said, I’ll believe it when I see the money,” Charon responded.
Erebus did not retort.
“C’mon, down we go,” Erebus said mockingly to Nina.
She moved towards the stairs still acutely aware of the gun pointed at the back of her head. Erebus pushed Nina into the light, she found herself face to face with the people she had been spying on. Charon was even larger in person but also seemed kinder. She could tell by the smile on his face he had a joke to tell at her expense.
Harpy lived up to her name, with a sharp nose and piercing blue eyes Nina could see the resemblance to a bird. A dark scar ran from the center of her brow to her cheekbone over her left eye, it looked old but must have been a deep wound.
“So, this is the surprise, you finally found yourself a girlfriend? I get the feeling it won’t last long,” Charon laughed.
“Who is she?” Harpy asked looking past Nina to Erebus.
“Haven’t gotten that far, ask her yourself, I’m guessing CSIS, barely flinched with a gun in her face, hasn’t said a thing, they probably got wind of this meeting sent her to gather intel.”
Charon snorted, “Canadian Intelligence, how young do they recruit?”
Harpy shone her piercing blue eyes into Nina’s, “Who are you girl, and how long have you been following us?”
Nina was at a loss for words, she was nobody, but saying that would certainly not quell their suspicions. Instead, she said, “I live here.”
Charon burst into laughter.
“You live here?” Harpy inquired with more interest than amusement.
Nina felt she should just tell them the truth, beating around the bush with vague answers wasn’t going to gain the trust of anyone.
She began again, “I suppose it’s more of a temporary residence I’m sort of stuck here.”
“Stuck here, why?” Harpy inquired simply.
Charon had recovered from his amusement and began listening again. Nina recounted her story since she crossed the border.
“Why’d you cross the border again?” asked Charon.
“To visit where I thought my parents were buried,” Nina said softly.
“Oh, right, sorry kid,” he appeared uncomfortable, like he regretted bringing it back up.
“Her story checks out,” Harpy said to Erebus, “there was speculation that swift retribution had been taken after that assassination attempt.”
“There does seem to be a greater presence of military types from the city-state out here, beyond the usual amount,” Erebus reasoned, he had yet to put the gun away though.
“Erebus, I doubt she is making this story up, why would the CSIS send someone so young to spy on us in a torn skirt and looks as though she hasn’t eaten in a week?”
“To create a compelling narrative,” Erebus said, though not confidently.
“You may be good at watching our backs but you’re still paranoid as hell Erebus, it seems to me this girl needs help, if I’m wrong, I’ll take the blame. I’d say her helping us to deliver this confidential Canadian government intel to a foreign power would be enough to prove her innocence.”
“Fine, but if you plan on takin’ her back to Buffalo you’re telling the boss.”
“Yeah, yeah, I already told ya I’ll put my ass on the line,” Harpy looked back at Nina, “you got anything you want to grab before we leave uh… you never told us your name.”
“Nina,” she replied, “Yeah I’ve got a few things.”
“Alright, be quick about it, Nina, you’re coming with us.”
Nina nodded, the gun behind her clicked off, and Erebus put it away. Harpy gave her a sly smile and gestured her to move onward, Nina nodded again and ran up the stairs to gather her belongings. Buffalo, what was in Buffalo she thought to herself. A new beginning was the only answer she had for now.