Tragedy seems to be an inescapable force that follows those that seek change. Loss hits harder when in a bleak world. However, in that bleak world, the ones closest to you feel even closer and the desire to never lose them is stronger. Within that strength we can build a new world.
Nat had been unable to fully enjoy finally obtaining what she had desired for so long. All the loss had not been part of her idealized vision of the future. She hoped she could find her sister because with all she lost, she hoped she could have one thing found.
Her arm was still sore from the stitches but between the light painkillers and rest it was starting to feel normal again. Ann had told her the scar would still be there though for quite some time.
Saoirse had gone to get breakfast and her stomach rumbled for her return. Nat was still a bit hesitant to leave the room. With all that had happened since the farm was attacked, she hadn’t thought much about what she looked like, but in the calm and rest she remembered. Saoirse had been very understanding, but also very adamant that she go out, she told her this was a safe place but still Nat felt afraid.
The door to the room opened and Nat jumped off the bed, Saoirse sat the food on the table, a breakfast of pancakes and scrambled eggs she thanked her and sat down.
“I have a challenge for you today,” Saoirse said between bites of breakfast.
Nat’s stomach turned slightly; she was going to have to leave the room.
“I ran into Mia this morning, she said that this old guy from the scouts wants to meet you, he’s gonna help in finding your sister, apparently, he has contacts within the SSNY.”
Nat didn’t answer immediately, she had promised herself she would find her sister, she would have to meet this man.
“Okay, I’ll go,” Nat said softly.
Saoirse smiled, “I knew that would get you out, you can’t hide yourself forever.”
“I still don’t really want to be out and about though, it’s just, I feel like people aren’t seeing the real me.”
“Look, I know how much you’d like to just flip a switch, but transition takes time, you have to be patient, and most importantly you have to believe in yourself. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks they see, only what you do, and I see you for who you are, and so does Mia, Ann, Paul, and I’m sure anyone who matters will too.”
“Thanks Saoirse, you really are great.”
She blushed, “C’mon, eat, then we’ll head out.”
They had been staying in an old hotel, one of the few that remained for guests and travelers and not as permanent housing. Saoirse and Nat were planning to head back to Portland where Saoirse had a place once they finally tracked down Nina. If they did, Nat hoped she would come with them.
It was a quiet morning, but Nat still felt that every eye saw through the clothes she wore as a disguise, each time she looked to Saoirse and tried to match her confidence.
They entered the building that the old man lived in. It was an old hiking supply store with an inside that seemed a mess but Nat sensed was organized in a fashion beyond her comprehension. She heard as the man wheeled out from the back and was temporarily obscured by a shelve of coats before he appeared before them. He looked oddly familiar, almost like her father, but nearly bald. On his face was an expression Nat expected was on hers, one of faint familiarity.
The man spoke in a gruff voice, though still comforting, “What would your father’s name happen to be Natalie?”
“Chester Palmer,” Nat replied.
The man couldn’t contain his smile, “So then you’re my granddaughter! I’m Greg Palmer, your father was my son.”
Nat was in shock, the combination of excitement at finding a long-lost family member mixed with the euphoria, he called me granddaughter!
“Given what I know about you already though, I’m guessing that they’re dead,” he said somberly.
Nat looked at her feet, “Yeah…”
“I wish I could’ve seen him one more time…” he trailed off.
Her father had always said a lot about her grandfather, about how he fought in the war, how he continued to fight for what he believed in. When the cause was co-opted by what would become the SSNY he rallied against them, but then he disappeared, and her father never talked much about that.
“What happened to you? How are you even alive, dad always talked like you were but deep down, I always assumed he thought you were gone.”
“This happened to me,” he gestured to the wheelchair.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to —”
“No, no, it’s fine, it happened a long time ago now, I’ve accepted it, moved on. It has left me with somewhat limited options for travel though,” he chuckled.
“Still, dad talked about you so much, but he never said what happened to you.”
“Really?” he sighed, “I guess it’s not much of a tale, right around the time your sister was going to be born, me and some members of the AAC here,” he gestured to the space around him, “got to planning an assassination attempt on one of the representatives at the time, Stanley Newman, he was running this massive scheme to consolidate power, lot of nasty things, won’t get into it. Most importantly, this consolidation meant getting rid of him might’ve allowed us to dismantle the state apparatus. We already had secured aid from the triple-A to set up an A-Z,” he paused, “but someone snitched, I don’t know who but the day before things were gonna go down, we got attacked, secret police, didn’t bother going for arrests, we never were going to stand trial, they just went in to kill us. Me and a few others made it out, I’m lucky I survived at all, bullet shattered my spine, I’ll never walk, but at least I’m not dead,” he stopped Nat could see on his face he was reliving the moment in his head, she felt sorry she asked.
“I kept in contact with your father,” Greg began again, “in fact, the SSNY has such a robust connection to the shadow thanks to him, he kept me updated about your family, the movement, and he never stopped looking for who sold us out that day…”
“I wish he was here now,” Nat said quietly.
“Me too,” Greg matched her tone.
After a long silence Greg began again, “I will find Nina, I still have contacts in the Color Guard, I know standard procedure was to contact those that lost loved ones at the massacre even if they weren’t officially a part of the Color Guard, someone made contact with her, in some way.”
“I know, I know she was there that night,” Nat stammered.
“That may be true, I trust that feeling so I’ll start there, I promise Natalie, I will find her.”
With that, they parted ways. Nat felt confident that her grandfather would find something, she had to, it was the only thing that kept her hope alive that she would see Nina again.
While Nat was talking with Greg, Saoirse had been busy. She came up to Nat with a small bag slung over her shoulder and a pair of hiking boots in her hands.
“These looked like your size,” she said, handing the boots to Nat.
Nat looked at them, they were indeed her size.
“Why are you handing me boots?” Nat asked, confused.
“We’re going on a hike,” Saoirse said simply with no elaboration.
“What, Saoirse, a hike?”
“Yeah, if we’re going to be here I want to explore, it’s no fun alone. I heard there’s this pretty easy one, but the view is great. So, the boots, will they fit?”
Nat looked again at the boots in her hand, “Yeah, I think so…”
“Well, try them on,” Saoirse’s excitement was growing.
Nat put the boots on, they were simple, leather and heavier than the shoes she was accustomed to wearing but they fit well.
“Here,” Saoirse handed Nat the small blue bag that had been slung over her shoulder, “I put some snacks and water inside, should be enough,” Saoirse grabbed another bag that was close by and slung it over her own shoulder, “Just a quick drive and were there.”
They hopped into a car that looked like it didn’t get used much, the rust and cracks in the tires indicated it had been sitting for quite a while. They drove out of the town and through the fields of various crops until they reached the wall of the forest, along this wall was a road that ran along it. Saoirse turned down this road, quickly they were surrounded by trees on all sides as the road meandered through the woods.
At the end of the road was an old building styled as that of a log cabin, next to it a similarly styled building with a large porch. In front of the building with the porch the road ended in a small parking lot with a few vehicles in it. On all sides they were surrounded by trees, and at the very end of the parking lot was a small break.
Saoirse picked a spot and killed the car engine, “C’mon,” she said to Nat, “I packed us a lunch we can eat at the top.”
With that they shouldered their bags and headed to the break in the trees. At first the going felt arduous for Nat, she kept thinking of her sister, thinking that she should be doing something instead of going for a walk. As the climb got steeper, she began to focus on keeping her footing, she felt the sweat begin to form on her body and her heart rate quicken. She kept following Saoirse who seemed to be effortlessly making her way across the enormous rocks that poked out of the ground. The rocks continued to grow as they climbed, limiting the places for the trees to go until they broke open and the sunlight beamed down on their faces. The rocks ended in a cliff and below her she saw a small lake shaped like a heart, with rolling mountains that towered behind it. On some of the sides the trees had disappeared exposing the massive rocks that formed the mountains. The view was beautiful and in the feeling of success making it to the top she momentarily felt content, despite everything that she was dealing with.
“Well, what do you think?” Saoirse asked.
“It’s very nice, did you notice the lake? It’s shaped like a heart,” Nat commented.
“I believe it’s called Heart Lake,” Saoirse said, Nat couldn’t tell if she was joking.
Saoirse noticed, “I’m serious, that’s what it’s called.”
Nat laughed.
“Would you want to do more of this?” Saoirse asked after a moment, with a bit of hesitation.
“Yeah, it was fun, I never knew this was something you could just, do, I mean I guess I did, but I never really thought about just going to the top of something,” she pointed to the mountains in the distance, “so we can climb those?”
“Yeah, I think so, most of these mountains have trails from when this place was a park, even if they’re not maintained we still have the old maps, you just have to pick one, and we’ll try it.”
“You said this one was easy though…”
“Well yeah, the bigger they are usually the harder they are, this one is not too big, or remote, but I don’t think too much here is too technical, it’s just how long you can trudge uphill, and remember, you still gotta get down.”
“Yeah…” Nat started to think about Nina, she wondered if she would enjoy this. She sat down on the rock staring across the lake at the view with a sort of indescribable melancholy that came with happiness experienced when most days were dark.
Saoirse sat down next to her and put her arm around Nat, Nat dropped her head onto her shoulder.
“I want you to be happy Nat,” Saoirse began, “I’ll do whatever it takes to do that, you will see her again, and she’ll see you as who you truly are.”
Nat pulled herself closer and wrapped her fingers around Saoirse’s trying to say with her actions, what she couldn’t bring to words.